Does Tiger still matter?



Memories...



The traditional unlike any other tees off this weekend, where we can, for one weekend full of caddies in white cloth dress, remind ourselves of better times when we could overtly show who the peons were. Besides that strange public display, we also get the chance to answer the question:



Does Tiger Woods still matter?

If the glove doesn't fit... nevermind

Hard to believe it's been almost 18 short months since he drove his SUV into a tree in an (allegedly) drug fueled argument with his gorgeous model wife due to an (alleged) sex addiction. Some thought it was shocking, but most didn't.  And for the last year, the mainstream hasn't heard much from Tiger. Those of us who follow golf know he's been average at best, all the while claiming he's "this close" to getting it all back. And if the PGA could rig it so he won, trust me, they would. They absolutely need this guy. Seriously, how less popular has this sport become since Tiger actually had to be a human being?

I guess it's sort of a stupid question. We all know Tiger matters, or will matter, if he wins this week at the Masters. So I got a better question... what would be the best way for Tiger to resurrect his career? Oh, I got ideas.

The easiest?  Win the Masters. Boring, but effective. Best for playing career. Easy cash, needed after the divorce settlement. No fun for us, though, and really, its somewhat expected. This is something LeBron needs to do, shut up and win. Not Tiger, though.  Might seem the obvious.  But I gotta way better idea.  Check this plan.




Good idea guy.

 1.  Don't win the Masters.  Purposely lose in a playoff to some old timer (best scenario), or just lose in the playoff anyways.  Hold press conference afterwards saying, to some effect, "it was great to be back in contention, and I'm just grateful to God (keep phrase) for the opportunity to get close again.  Honestly, I haven't felt like myself in a very long time, and just being out there today, with the sun shining, the winds, and this beautiful historic course (pause for teary eyes...), it was... just, yeah.  I'm sorry."  Then walk away from the table, with Caddie Stevie putting a gentle arm around your neck.  In related news, LB is submitting his resume for public relations positions in Hollywood.


2. Weekend in Vegas fueled by beer, stippers, and millions in gambling losses. Hear me out... golf isn't about to suspend this guy for conduct unbecoming. He should be fine to play again shortly after. Plus, think of all the publicity? Negative publicity? Sure! That's why you do this...



Let me help you, Tiger.



2a. Contrite press conference admitting you have a problem, check into rehab with Dr. Drew as personal counsel. America LOVES a comeback story, and we'll give anyone a third chance.  See, Tiger's comeback story isn't working right now because no one sympathizes with a billionaire married to a Swedish model who cheated on her with porn stars. The sex addiction (allegedly) isn't enough to touch the hearts of Oprah watching soccer moms everywhere. But alcohol problem? Cha-ching!!!

3. In "rehab," sneak in old swing coach, hit the driving range (all rich people rehabs have them), and get in game shape. Nuff said.

4. Win a tournament. Any tournament. It could be a miniature golf tournament or a Par 3 shootout against 10 year olds. The media will go nuts. And you, my friend, will sign a 100 million dollar book deal. And you, my friend, will not have to sell your baby, Privacy.  That's his yacht, not his private room at Spearmint Rhino.  That's a very popular strip club in Vegas.  That's... forget it.

You all know this is true, right? If he did this, he'd bank more than if he won the Masters. And really, how sad is that? What does that say about society? What does that... wait, this is why I love sports and imbibe. Fore!



Can I play through?

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