Offended

Sealed!

I have been thinking about writing this post for pushing two years now.  I've run the idea past most of my drinking closest friends and editorial board.  My fear in writing this is I may offend some of you with this one, and that is never our intention here.  We believe in everyone's right to be and do whatever it is they please with their lives and we reserve judgment.  Everyone I've talked to about this post has encouraged me to write it, felt nothing related to the topic would be offensive (even when I mentioned specific examples), and essentially all said, "you know who your readers are, and I doubt you would intentionally write anything that would offend them, they know where you are coming from."  I'll give thanks to all I can remember by name at the end of the post, but do want to single out Mrs. Dawg for her encouragement at the local dive bar in our hometown last summer.  I think her endorsement sealed it for me.

We begin our story in spring of 2015.  We had booked our first trip to Disney World and received a packet with tips, information, etc. after booking.  One of the tips was to lay out the kids' clothes the night before to save time in the midst of them wanting to get out the door ASAP.  It included, "you'll have time to get yourself organized and ready, plus, it's so easy even a Dad can do it!"

Wait, what???  It's so easy that what???  Roh boy...

Mmmm... whoopie pie

And so began an 18 month journey of me seeing things all over the place that seemed to lower the expectations for fathers everywhere.  But let me start with that first line up there... the wife is a teacher; hence, for as long as ARG has been around and the wife has not been on maternity leave, I've gotten the kids ready in the morning.  This includes getting both of my kids dressed, with ARG's occasional need to complete change her outfit 10 minutes before we go and doing her hair however she wants it/will let me do it every morning.  Whoop-dee-doo.  If you can't handle that s**t as a parent, you aren't gonna survive.

I have many father friends here whose wives are teachers, highly successful professionals, etc. and either get their kids to school/daycare every morning and/or stay home a couple days a week.  Does that make them "great fathers" because they do that?  Not to me.  They are great fathers for a host of other reasons, but not because they take their kids to daycare before school.  That's what fathers, or dare I say, parents are supposed to do.

Okay, fine, one more rant... ARG's kindergarten last year allowed for "mystery readers," and since my schedule is flexible, I went in to read to her class.  Another parent in her class found out about it and said to the wife, "wow, I can't believe he went, that's so great, I can't believe a dad would do that."  My initial thought was, wow, you must not think much of your husband as a father.  Then it was almost sad that she would have such a low opinion on what a dad could do.

Example - while in the midst of my 18 months of rabbit ears on this topic, I came across an article by a father in New York City, writing on a similar topic.  He told a story like this... He took his infant son on a trip to the store to get groceries, household needs, etc.  As he was carrying his bags and his son out, a woman stopped him and complimented him on being able to take his son to the store and run errands while taking care of him.  According to the article, she was basically gushing over it.  So he gets home and tells his wife the story, and she was like, "uh, do you want a medal?  I do that pretty much every day."  To note, his take was similar to mine, and he was not bragging about this when telling his wife.

Good advice

I think you're getting my point.  Let's try a quick exercise... in the past few weeks, I have done the following for my kids:  given them baths/showers, cooked meals, gotten them ready for and taken them to school, attended a teacher's conference/back to school night, done homework with them, read them stories for bed, picked out their outfits, taken them on errands for the house, taken them to sports practices, changed their sheets, did their laundry, and researched extracurricular activities for them for the spring.  When ARG was 3 months old, the wife went to MI for a wedding for a weekend and I had her alone.  Last year, during a 2 day blizzard, the wife was out of town and I had both kids and the "fun" of digging us out all weekend.  Oh, and LB, Jr. decided to throw a 6pm Sunday night ear infection into the mix (Side Note - a huge THANK YOU to AtlantiCare Urgent Care for being open during the end of the blizzard and our neighbors for taking ARG so she didn't have to come along on that journey.  Right when I had a couple gorgeous ribeyes going on the stove, too... damn...).

It's a secret, I promise

Now remember, no one can hear you.  No one knows your answer to the following question... be completely honest with yourself.  If I had said the wife had done all of the things in the paragraph above, would you have the same emotional reaction and thoughts as you do when I say it was me?  Because, honestly, I'm tackling this topic, am offended by this topic, and it still seems more impressive to me when you say a father does it instead of a mother.  And the people I asked about this blog all agreed.  Mojo and J.B. weigh in...

Mojo - I can add the aspect where the military expects you to work 50 hours a week, but we are seeing a shift away from that because of the costs of the years of wars.

J.B. - Things that annoy me a bit are when someone is surprised when I volunteer to change a diaper, or if my wife is telling someone about our son waking up in the middle of the night and I let her stay in bed, or that I drop him off and pick him up for day care most days.

I can anecdotally add that Mojo does emphasize leaving his office on time to be home with his family.  He's a damn good father for many a reason.  But I think if you asked Mrs. Mojo and his kids why, being home at 5 would probably not be on the top of the list.  Same goes for J.B.  The last three times I've talked to him I could hear his son in the background because either his son was sick and J.B. stayed home, or J.B. had the day off and kept his son home with him.  Again, is that what makes him a damn good father?  And again, thinking to yourself, would you consider these things as "impressive" or important to being a good mother versus being a good father?  Or are these things somethings that "mothers should do" versus what "fathers should do"?

Here's another example... why is it when men watch the kids so their wives can go out with their friends it's often called "babysitting?"  That is such bulls**t.  And it doesn't make me a good husband, either.  Is my wife a good wife just cause she watches the kids when I go out?  She's definitely not a babysitter.  Could you imagine the backlash if someone famous referenced a mom as a babysitter?  I guarantee you wouldn't get the same backlash if they said that about a dad.

When I did my image search and got Jules over there on the left, the following picture also showed up.  This might have pissed me off more than anything else I found on the subject:

Seriously, whoever made that shirt can kiss my a**.  What if that said "You can do this, Mom?"  What would the response to that be?  Me and this guy here think that shirt is crap.

If I ever see this guy, I'm picking up his tab

Then there was this little article I found while reading the next day breakdowns of the AFC and NFC title games.  Apparently the social media world went all froo froo when Mattel launched a commercial that aired during the Pats beat down of the Steelers about dads playing Barbie with their daughters.  "Awwww, what a great dad..."  Bulls**t.  I take an interest in all of the things my kids love because THEY ARE MY KIDS AND I LOVE THEM!!!  That means I play Barbies, watch princess movies, and compliment my daughter on her outfits and her jewelry, the same way I play cars, superheroes, and cook with my son.  And to be honest, I don't care what they're into as long as it's healthy and it makes them happy.  What the reaction had been if Wilson released a commercial called "Moms playing football with their sons?"  Probably kind of, "awww" but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have trended on Twitter.  (Follow me!!!).

Grrrr, I'm starting to get really pissed.  Let's change it up and go to another of our experts, my six year old daughter, ARG (oops, sorry, I was just reminded that her 1/2 birthday just passed.  She is 6 1/2.  My bad).  She is brilliant, funny, insightful, extremely smart, and gorgeous.  Just like her father mother.

So she never dates, that's why

Me - Do you think I'm a good daddy?
ARG - Yes!
Me - Awww, thanks, baby.  What makes me a good daddy?
ARG (thinks for a second) - You're nice and you're kind.
Me - Thank you.  What do I do that makes me a good daddy?
ARG (thinks again) - You kiss me, you razzy me, and you make me laugh!  (Note - she's been all about Where do Kisses Come From? at night lately, and the end of the story says, "all kisses come from love."  She loves that part).

Thankfully, for the purposes of blog and life, she seems to equate how I am with a father with our relationship and not the things I do for her.  Which is exactly my point.  We aren't good parents, or good in most relationships quite frankly, for the things we do for people.  It's the way we relate and connect to people.  Especially our children.

So where in the hell did this double and insultingly low standards for fathers come from?  We turn to Fah T for some insight (yes, we were desperate...).  And I quote:

Gotta get past this

Fah - I'm on a "the whole world is f**ed because any a**hole can reproduce" streak and it would probably be best not to share my opinion.  I take care of my kids (baths, play, brushing teeth, dinners, etc.) because I like them and would rather spend time with them than anyone else.  You are an a**hole and missing out if you avoid spending time with your kids.  Love, Fah.

I didn't specifically ask him about why the standards are so low, but I think he's alluding to it here.  He mentions "taking care of his kids."  He does it because that's what a parent does.  But I think most a lot of people think a Dad taking care of their kids is medal worthy.  Here are my current theories as to how we got here...

- According to the National Bureau of Labor Statistics, 49% of mothers were stay at home moms.  That number dropped to 23% in 1999, then increasing to 29% in 2012 (the last stat I could find).  I think most two parent homes now need a second income to survive (we would drown if one of us didn't work).  Social norms allow women more opportunities to get their degrees (and, in fact, outnumber men in colleges) and pursue their careers.  There is no more pressure to get married and start popping out kids by age 24.

- Changes in family structure.  According to the Pew Research Center, only 46% of kids live in a two-parent, non-divorced household, with another 15% in a step-parent household.  The data did not indicate the involvement or the gender of the other parent in that 15%; however, I think it speaks to the idea that it's more normal, and perhaps even an implied "okay" for an absent father to be just that.

And listening to the radio

- Cultural expectations of fathers.  I think this is starting to slow down on some level, given the fact so many two-parent homes have both parents working and can't survive if the father is that 1950s stereotypical, work-come home to dinner-smoke a pipe-repeat type of father.  However, ask anyone and it is far and away more "okay" and "normal" for a father to be absent than a mother.  If a mother is absent, she is the devil.  If a father is absent, it's disappointing, but on some level, not all that unexpected.  And that is just terrible and wrong.


As I mentioned, I think this is starting to slow down and, hopefully, starting to erode.  It's becoming more okay for fathers to be in the caretaking role.  There have been significant increases in stay at home fathers - in the 1970s, 6 men total identified as stay at home dads.  In 2014, 16% of all stay at home parents were fathers.  This is and always will be an apolitical blog... so regardless of what you think of him, it's always a good thing when a president, in this case President Obama, starts a task force aimed at increasing fathers' participation in their families.  Speaking of presidents, and to go back to our little quizzes to make you think, let's try one more... Mrs. Trump plans to stay back in NYC, rather than move into the White House so their children can finish the school year in their current school.  You probably think very little of that... however, would you think so little of it if she were president and President Trump were staying home as First Man?

Ultimately, that's why I was and still get offended when I see articles and hear comments about dads being good dads for doing so little.  I don't want to be held to a low standard.  No father I know wants to be held to a low standard.  And if we hold fathers to such a low standard, they will continue to meet it.  We should demand excellence and high standards, not only for ourselves, but for our communities and our country.

Setting the bar

Mojo and I have a lot more to share on this topic, but we're running long here, so we will post a follow up very soon.  A very special thank you to all of those who supported my writing this post and contributed with thoughts, ideas, and, to Mojo, J.B., and Fah, your words as well.  Many thanks to two special ladies, my beloved The Wife and Mrs. Dawg (who was almost our sister wife).  The wife had many a conversation and pointed to more examples for me, and as I said at the jump, I may not have written it without Mrs. Dawg's approval.  Additional ups to the Dawg, ZWR, my buddy in Minnesota, and anyone else I can't remember, either because it's been 18 months in the making and/or we were drinking at the time.  Jack White will send you off now.  Seriously, you should listen to that song.  See you when we see you.  Hasta.