Thoughts on Fatherhood

Taking a break from the usual sports banter to share something a little more serious with all of you. As you probably know, the wife and I had a baby girl, our first born, a little over three weeks ago. She has been a great baby, and regardless of whether she had been as good as she is or had been a colicky terror, we would have felt just as blessed.

Right before she came, and in the few weeks since, a lot of people have asked us if we felt nervous, scared, terrified, “banking your sleep,” tired, anxious… you get the idea. The other one we’ve heard a lot of was if we felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility. And on some level, I guess I feel that way, but to be quite honest with you, it takes me some effort to tap into those feelings. From the moment the wife told me she was pregnant, and from the moment I saw our daughter, I was and am still completely overcome by two feelings…

Elation and Hope

The wife and I consider ourselves very, very lucky to be raised the way we were and to have lived the lives we have. We have the best support network of family and friends you could ever imagine, with some of our closest friends and family living hundreds, even thousands of miles away and yet still feeling their overwhelming sense of care and friendship. One of my favorite things in the world is when I see one of my distant friends after a time apart, and we see each other and it’s like nothing has ever changed. We have traveled all over the country and world, experienced life in other places with other great people, been to college, grad school, and now hold very steady jobs doing what we can to give a little bit back to the community and world that has been so gracious to us, while trying to uphold the values and dignity that has surrounded us our whole lives.

When I look in my daughter’s eyes, and she’s exploring everything around her, I get so elated for her because I know she is going to have the same experiences we had, and I can’t wait to be there to take her on parts of her journey. She can scream and cry all she wants, and I just laugh and smile with her, because I know I am watching and joining in on one small person’s crazy, emotional, and so-freaking-cool-you-can’t-describe-it ride through life. I look at her sleeping sometimes, and for some reason my mind just wanders off to memories of childhood, teen years, college, and all the experiences of adulthood, and all I can do is beam and think to myself, man, she’s going to get to do all that, too, and I can’t wait for her. It’s a sense of excitement I really can’t describe, but I’m guessing a lot of you who have kids know. All I can say is it’s a sense of pride, joy, and anticipation that overtakes your body and soul… it’s elation.

The responsibility thing still confuses me. I mean, of course I’m responsible for her and get terrified every time she decides she’s going to practice her burping/gagging move when she’s eaten too much and lays down, but I feel this in another way. I feel responsible for ensuring that she has every opportunity to do even more with her life than me and the wife did. I want her to be able to be whatever she wants to be, wherever she wants to be, however she wants to be, and have as few obstacles in her way as possible. I don’t feel like I need to keep her from all harm, because I know I can’t, and I know that if she has the support we had, then she’s going to be fine and even stronger for it. My sense of responsibility is to make sure she knows that her parents, family, and friends will do anything for her to support her hopes and dreams.

And that is my hope. That she will never feel like she can’t do anything, that people won’t be there for her, and that she can live her life however she chooses, because that’s why we gave her life… so she can live it. I hope that she will find inspiration, explore her own thoughts and feelings, discover little nuances in life that she can share with others, become whatever it is her little heart drives her to do, fall in love and experience what the wife and I have been so lucky to feel these last three weeks. I see the look in her eyes, that innocent, sweet, loving, look, and all I see is hope for her future and for the world, because for some reason, I see her, and I know that whatever else is going on in our lives, our friends lives, or in the world around us, everything is right and okay. And it is our responsibility to know that she knows that and never hesitates to dream and make her dreams to come true.

When it all comes down to just about everything in life, the answer is usually really simple. I don’t look at my daughter and think of all the ups and downs of parenting, the toilet training, the first day of school, the teen years, the paying for college, and whatever else she may throw at us along the way, and feel worry or responsibility. Maybe this makes me weird or different. But when I look at her, all I feel is love, elation, and hope. Nothing more, nothing less. And I pray every single day that that feeling never goes away.

Showed this post to Fah T. and Mojo before posting, both of whom just had kids in the last few months, Mojo just four days before us. Their responses were fantastic, so they agreed to share their thoughts, too. Thanks for sharing, guys, much love to my brothers from other mothers. Here goes:

Fah – “Love it. There are so many emotions that you feel along the way. I am 3 months in and they literally change daily. I will go from "oh f***" to "excitement" in a matter of 3 minutes. The best line for me was about the crying. It's so true about me laughing and smiling while he is crying. Just knowing how much fun, etc. he has ahead of him. There are many reasons for our success, but the main reasons are our parents. We all got really lucky in that department. And I hope that we can come close to the job that they did.”

Mojo – “When I read this article I hoped for that too one day with my daughter. The thing I try to never forget is how much my parents sacrificed. I am 30 years old and have taken more vacations than my father has his whole life. I could go out and buy expensive golf clubs and financially not bat an eye. The things my parents did to save money to send me to school are immense. So when you say, "I get so elated for her because I know she is going to have the same experiences we had," don't forget ...in my opinion, it is not your accepting of responsibility, but sacrifice. Not that I don't think we can all do it, but I just hope that I never flinch when that time comes. I know, based on how we were raised, that we know which path to take to give our kids the best chance at the life we had, but do we have the courage to take, and stay on that path at every turn. I think so, and that gets me excited.”

This post was officially brought to you in memory of the great parents who have gone before us, especially my grandparents, the wife’s grandparents, and Mojo’s mom, who once famously told Mojo and I she wouldn’t trade her Honda Civic for a Porsche, even after we explained she could take the Porsche, sell it, and buy five Hondas. If that doesn’t speak to loyalty and sticking to your virtues, than I have no idea what does.