Free Financial Advice for the NFL

Please help them.  They need us.

In my non-Logical Betting life, my family makes a nice living. We budget well, we save, and we’ve been able to do some good things financially. (In my Logical Betting life, I’d be homeless). We even have a little rainy day fund. I feel like I have some knowledge that could be helpful to people in need of a little financial guidance or advice. Then, as I scoured ye old sports headlines this week, I came across two groups of people who could desperately use such advice. Two groups so damaged by the current economic strife, that every American should be rallying around their causes:

The NFL players and owners

You think the people in Japan have it bad?  These poor folks just announced their taking this fight to Court, meaning the potential for loss of games, revenue, and salaries has become that much more real. Can you imagine the fear they must be experiencing right now? It’s in these times they need people like LB here to give them sound, objective advice, void of all the emotions that come with such times of stress and collective bargaining stupidity. Don’t worry, fellas, it’s gonna be okay.

First, the players. Guys, really, I don’t blame you. You’re just trying to get yours. In a battle of millionaires v. billionaires (over/under total references to mills vs. bills in the media in the last month = 681.5), someone has to be on the short end of the stick. It’s going to take some sacrifices, but I think you can do it. Here’s how:

1. Did you know that the Porsche 911 gets a solid 22 MPG? That’s way better than the Rolls Royce (14 MPG), Range Rover (14 MPG), or Bently (13 MPG). Dust off the ol’ Porsche and take it for a spin. Hell, it is summer. Plus, with rising gas prices, this can be an easy way to save a little cash. The Porsche gets better MPG than any luxury brand. I know this is tough to swallow, but you may have to downgrade, just for a little while, in order to make ends meet.

2. Ditch the Krug. I know, I know, life’s too short to drink cheap booze. But going to the Dom can save you upwards of $300-400 per bottle. That’s a lot of cash, even to a high end strip… errrr, the people you spend your down time with. Consider taking it down a level, and you’ll see extra 0s in your bank account in no time.

Seriously?  Two seasons???



3. Get a reality show. If these chicks can do it (for two seasons??? I’m so proud I just found out about this. And all but one of them is divorced/broken up! How is that a show?), sorry, like I said, if they can do it, and T.O. and Johnson can do it (he switched his name back, ya know), so can you. All it takes is a little booze (two uses for the Dom will save money, too!), a couple of women with loose morals and/or a few little kids running around in front of camera while you try and keep up, and you’re golden. Sign a six figure advance, and by the time it’s all over, you’ll be back on the field.

4. More carrots, less karats. I’m not suggesting you cook for yourself, per se, but just that you eat at home. Take out, maybe? Not saying you go, but maybe have it delivered or send a personal assistant, cause that is a luxury we can’t cut yet. We’re not that desperate. A personal chef could be a good investment in the long run. On the flip side, getting the 4 karat diamond earrings for yourself or your lady, instead of the 5 karat yields immediate 20% savings. You can apply that to all sorts of things, like jewelry, designer clothes and suits… you see where I’m going with this. Yes, I know, I know, it’s not fair. But in times like these, all families need to make sacrifices.

5.  And, for the love of God, don't do this.

Alright, now that we’ve saved the players, let’s alleviate the suffering of an even more disadvantaged group, the owners. Really, how is there not a television fund drive started for these guys yet? Such a shame, America. LB’s got this one.

1. Do your job. No, your real job. The one you do when you’re not counting money from your NFL franchise. The one that made you all that jack. Can’t remember it? Ask your accountant’s account’s special assistance in charge of skimming your take of the real business. They’ll know.

Official NFL Sponsor!  Do it!

2. Donate to charity. Yeah, I know that sounds a bit counter-productive, but if you get a little positive PR, then the public will surely turn against the players, meaning you’ll probably make out better in the end. Consider it an investment in yourself. I mean, that’s what charity is all about, right?

3. Get into short sales. Not real estate, silly, the stock market! In case you didn’t know, capital gains taxes are going up next year to your actual income tax rate. That’s not good news for you folks. Take some of those billions, get them in the market, and get the hell out. For example, invest 100 million, make 10%, pay 10% on that, and you’re clear 9 million, just like that! Use some of that for the “charity donation” (hahahaha, they’ll fall for it for sure), and you double your “efficiency,” which we all know is code for saving more cash and keeping it from the little people. Good for you.

4. Fly First Class. Now, I’m not suggesting you stop flying “privately” necessarily, with “the public.” Perish the thought. All I’m saying is those private jets and charter flights add up. Yep, the cost of gas affects you guys, too. Save money by finding your flight online (read: have your assistant look it up for you), then buy every ticket in First Class (read: have your assistant book it), then have all of these “passengers” (suggested names: Craig T. Nelson, Maya Rudolph) not show for the flight. You fly with the privacy and attention you need without having to shame yourself on commercial transportation. All for about a quarter of the cost. And you’ll be stimulating the economy by helping out all those poor, suffering, price gaug… I mean, suffering airlines.

Surely this does not capture the complexity of all of your unique financial situations and the hardships you and your family are enduring. That’s why Logical Betting’s highly trained financial specialists are standing by, 24/7/365, to answer your questions and help you through this most difficult of times. This service is being provided free, as we want to do whatever little things we can do to support our beloved NFL. Just call 1-800-4-BOO-HOO*, and you will be linked to one of our specialists. Please be patient if on hold, due to high call volume and the one-on-one personal attention and detail we give each of our callers. Again, that number is 1-800-4-BOO-HOO*. Operators are standing by.

Hey, at least you fellas are doing this the American way… by taking each other to Court and arguing it out in the media. No need to thank me for the advice, just follow us on Twitter @logicalbetting and we’ll call it even. Subtle, shameless promotion = free advertising. Write that down, owners, you can fire more people with that one.

Contact Logical Betting at logicalbetting@gmail.com and twitter.com/logicalbetting.

*Not a real number.  We have no idea where this leads.  Dial at your own risk.