I feel bad for you...

I feel bad for N**** D*** football fans. (Washing mouth out with soap…)

I feel bad for N**** D*** football fans. (Taking Purel (unofficial sponsor) bath…)

I feel bad for N**** D*** football fans.

No, loyal Logical Betting reader, I can’t believe I’m saying it either. Watching my beloved Wolverines put on a clinic of how to miss tackles against Penn St., I texted Fah T. to find out if ND had held on against Tulsa score, with a disclaimer that I really didn’t know the score, which I didn’t. He simply wrote back “No.” I then sent my apologies, which led to about 10 texts coming back at me, which varied from paragraph-long rants to three straight “F**K!” all in caps. I told him to stop whining, then to tell me the pain he was feeling at the moment. His words:



While watching Tulsa completely embarrass N**** D*** in their yard, their first road win over a BCS school in their last 18 tries (sorry, had to take at least one shot), I decided if N**** D*** lost, I would pay tribute to sympathy for other sports teams and fan bases. Henceforth, I am satisfying my innate desire to create lists and give you my list of teams and fan bases I feel bad for. And no, I don’t get held back by that whole “Top 10” or whatever, we’re just gonna roll with this and see how many we come up with. Henceforth (yes, twice in one paragraph, rules are meant to be broken), here, in no particular order, are the teams/fan bases I feel bad for. And maybe we’ll crown a winner at the end. If I feel like it. Or if I’ve been drinking (note: not drinking during the start of this post. Yet.)

1. N**** D*** football – the most recent addition to my personal list, as mentioned above. Here is why: every year, ND fans think they’re team is good. And lately, they’re not. Not even close. See, cause of their national exposure, huge fan base, and even huger TV contract, there is a lot of incentive (read: cash reasons) for people to think they’re good. Any 3-star recruit is talked about like a 4-star if they go to ND. Every quarterback they recruit is suddenly a contender for the Heisman. And yeah, Brady Quinn and Jimmy Claussen were good, and in the case of Quinn, nearly great college quarterbacks, so I give you that. But the national spotlight helps for sure. Dayne Crist? C’mon, really? Ron Pawlus? Whoever came between Pawlus and Quinn?

2. Dallas Cowboy fans – Not because your team is getting embarrassed this year, not even a little bit. I’m enjoying every second of that, except for the seconds where they took me out of my own suicide pool. I feel bad for you BECAUSE you are a Cowboys fan. If you grew up in Dallas, and you’re a fan, then this doesn’t mean you. It means all the rest of you who somehow grew up in a “Cowboys” household because your parent became a bandwagon fan when they were good in the 70s, or if you became a fan when they were good in the 90s. See also, Y***** fans who didn’t grow up in New York or in the New York area (Reggie, you are a true Y***** fan, an ambassador against those wanna-bes), Duke fans who didn’t go to t Duke, or Dodger fans who didn’t grow up in L.A. If you are one of these people, there is still time. Hit the Logical Betting archives from July and read the Sports Loyalty post (written while waiting for ARG to peep her head into the world), to find out who you should actually be a fan of. And yes, I am proud that, for the first time in a year, I was able to work in a shameless plug of my own blog. And yes, I’m arrogant enough to tell you who you should be a fan of. And yes, all my Sparty fan readers are going, “typical Michigan fan.”

3. Canadian hockey fans – Category winner, Toronto Maple Leafs. Poor Canada. We just don’t care about the NHL down here, the commissioner is an idiot, and we just aren’t going to spend any cash on this league any time soon. J.B. and I were chatting NHL at the bar the other night, and it occurred to us the NHL might just have one more shot to bring the league back to legitimacy (read: one more chance for Bettman to blow it, leading to ZWR strongly considering sending him hate mail every day until he goes away). The NFL and NBA are both facing possible lockouts in 2011. Let’s say it happens, though I think the NFL finds a way to work it out, and the NBA does the stupid and does lock out. Anyways, after the World Series, with no NFL and NBA to dominate headlines, the college football season takes control, ends with BCS controversy in January, and who’s left? The NH-freaking-L, baby. Until the NCAA tourney and pitchers and catchers, it’s a solid two months of all hockey, all the time.

But we know that’s not happening, so back to Canada. Their last Stanley Cup participant was your Calgary Flames, back in 2004, when they lost to the should-be-contracted Tampa Bay Lightning. 10 seasons between them and the Vancouver Canucks appearance in 1994, when they lost to the Rangers. The Canadiens won it in 1993, which was preceded by 7 straight Cups for Canada from 1984-1990, including 5 for the Edmonton dynasty. So yeah, it’s kinda hard to feel bad for that kind of winning, but try to imagine a non-American football team winning the Super Bowl for the last 18 years, then pretend that the NFL is about as popular as college baseball, only you still love it as much as you do now. That’s about 1/1000th of how bad this is for Canada. The Canadians are a good people, and they love this sport more than they love Canadian bacon and beer. I feel bad for them. I do.

4. Cleveland fans – These guys show up on just about every list like this, so kind of have to include them. I don’t even know when their last title was, and I don’t feel like looking it up, to be honest. Let’s just say it’s been awhile. A LONG while. I really don’t feel bad for Indians fans, only because they were in the World Series not so long ago, and because they keep trading their best players away. Seriously, they should just give up. But what did Browns fans do to deserve the Drive? The Fumble? Let’s not even get into the LeBron thing for Cavs fans. I mean, we all knew he was leaving (and, if you were reading LB at the time, knew that I wisely predicted he would go to Miami), but to be a d-bag about it? And I know you shouldn’t really take economic factors and the “how cool is your city” factor into this discussion, but outside of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (freaking awesome), what else is in Cleveland? Nothing? How did the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame end up there, anyways? Let’s just move on, this paragraph is too long.

5. Philadelphia Eagles fans – Yeah, I’m married to one and I’m surrounded by them, and, as annoying as they can be (most of them think they should never lose, wife and present good friends excluded), I still feel bad for them. They are run by the cockiest organization in the NFL, that really seems to only care about turning a buck. Which, to the benefit of the fans, keeps them competitive. They also only want to do things their way, and will do it at the expense of the fans and at going all out for a Super Bowl. Plus, this team always seems to find a way to tease. That was an impressive win last week over the Colts, and it was the epitome of that team: should have won by at least 10 more, and easily could have lost it… Manning missed a couple receivers on that last drive. Anyways, this team is good, and not good enough. They always seem to be THIS CLOSE to being a legit contender, and never quite make it. And the poor Eagles fans will go down again this year, and come back with the same innocent hope next year that their Birds are going to do it. And they won’t. Trust me, they won’t. It’s both cute and sad at the same time. Once Andy Reid goes, though, they get off this list. Moving on so I can sleep in my bed some time in the next month and JB and ZWR don’t disown me as friends…

6. Michigan football fans – Only because a once proud program was relegated to an over-the-top celebration of a 3 OT win at home over Illinois. The wife and I were watching, and both of us were ashamed it had come to that. Cue every Sparty reader either laughing, thinking “typical arrogant Michigan fans,” or both. God, just typing about that celebration is making me gag, let’s hurry this up so I can get drunk. Or drunked.

7. Buffalo Bills fans – I’ve thought for a long time about this dilemma… would you rather your team go to 4 straight Super Bowls and lose each one (including a missed field goal that would have won one), or not go to any of them at all? I think I’d rather not make it then have to suffer through four losses. Hell, the Eagles fans suffered through 4 NFC title game losses and that was bad enough. The tease and utter devastation that would come with the third and fourth straight would be too much for me.

Consider the following as well: on top of the 4 losses in the 90s, you have not been to the playoffs for some time; are currently riding perhaps the best 0-8 football team in history; play at least one “home” game in Toronto, a city colder (though cooler) than your own because the NFL is considering moving you there; you haven’t had a QB since Jim Kelly, and now have one that is probably JUST good enough to keep you from drafting one next year, which is good because you really need a defense and O-line, but bad because, well, you really need a QB; and you live in a city where it’s probably already covered in snow. On the plus side, I hear the place where buffalo wings were invented is legit, and you can probably get some great microbrews there from upstate New York, home of many a good brewery. Me, I’d rather be a Lions fan… at least you have the Red Wings, Pistons, Tigers, and good college teams, a little less snow, and you’ve never even been teased with being good because you’ve never really been good. Please find a Bills fan (if you can find one outside of Buffalo) and give them a hug.
8. People who have to read about people writing about feeling bad for Chicago Cubs fans – I don’t care that they haven’t won since T-Rex roamed the Earth. Do Cubs fans seem miserable to you, cause they sure as hell don’t to me. Wrigley is a great place to see a game, the area it’s in is even better, and I have yet to see a Cubs game where the fans don’t seem to be having a good time. Therefore, I have zero sympathy for you, and plenty of sympathy for those of us who have to hear how tough it is to be a Cubs fan. My Tigers haven’t won since I was 5 years old, think I remember much of that? What about Mets fans… wait, I don’t like Mets fans. What about Pirates fans? Mariners fans? Why is your team so freaking special? Have another Schlitz and enjoy yourselves, there’s plenty of us who haven’t seen a World Series champion. Funny thing, I think most Cubs fans agree with this, they love the misery and the fun that is not winning in over 100 years. I think if they won, they wouldn’t know what to do with themselves.

Whew, this is long enough, so let’s dole out some Honorable Mentions: Detroit Lions fans (briefly noted above, worst owner in sports); Pittsburgh Pirates fans (franchise probably deserves its own post); Philadelphia Flyers fans (passionate fan base in a no-longer-followed sport); all NHL fans (courtesy of Gary Bettman); all fans of teams John Calipari used to coach; Miami Heat fans (because you aren’t going to win this year, and it’s going to be funny, and the entire country is going to laugh at you… though you’ll probably laugh right back at a club on South Beach because you do live in Miami, and that’s pretty sweet in itself); and Boise State and TCU fans (royally screwed until we get a college football playoff).

Decided to let the wife in on this one, and here were her responses: Chicago Bears, Detroit Pistons, Detroit Red Wings, Detroit Tigers - all tied, cause I’m a fan of them; Michigan football and basketball fans - “because we stink in both of them. I got there one year too late… football and hockey both won the year before I started. What were we good at when I was there? Men’s gymnastics?” (LB note: U of M men’s gymnastics won the team national title in 1999, the wife’s sophomore year, and had 9 individual champions during her time at UMich. I love Google. When told of the men’s gymnastics prowess during her time in Ann Arbor, “see, I told you! I know my sports.”); She struggled to come up with many more she felt strongly about (e.g., wanted a playoff, but didn’t feel that bad for Boise and TCU). When I suggested that Philly fans don’t really feel bad for anyone, she sort of laughed, then didn’t deny it. I think that explains her struggle.

There we be. Would love to hear who you feel bad for, or don’t, so hit up the comments and keep the conversation going. Otherwise, email or comment with suggestions, and forward LB on. Until next time, see you next time! I mean, have a good time? What is time? Is time time? Time to go.