Retro Logical Betting, featuring Exclusive "Kids of LB" Interviews!

We left off noting how serious these posts have gotten lately.  The process of writing these is quite moving, actually, from the conversations with Mojo leading up to them and then putting it all together here.  Quite frankly, these posts generate a lot more traffic than the, shall we say, less serious posts.  As you all know, Mojo and I work in fields that will push your emotional limits.  One of the keys for our being able to do this, and one of the first lessons I impart on my BSW students and my new hires, is learning to leave work at work, i.e., checking out, enjoying your life, and knowing that what you see at work is not your world and not like most of the rest of the world.

Looks comfy

That skill is part of the reason I started LB, ended LB, then restarted LB.  Ironically, I called Mojo to catch up and talk about doing this less serious post, and we ended up generating ideas for the next more serious post.  But, in the meantime, since we are honest gentleman, this post is going to be a mishmash of crazy crap.  I'm posted up with a 6 month aged Mad Elf and planning to chase it with a Bells Hop Slam.  Those puppies come in at about 12% ABV each.  USA v. Ecuador and Game 6 of the NBA Finals are on deck.  Let's do this.

To prove it, please note the picture to our right.  That, my friends, is a picture of couch shaped like a vagina.  I found it when Googling "couch" for a quite popular, and already four years old post on The MVPs of Your House.  (Just re-read it... really good actually).  I have no idea where this is gonna go and have no plans to edit it.  Definitely some sports chat, and God Himself might know what else.  Mojo chimes in, too.  Fair warning, this could get really long... TWSS!!!  (That was for you, boo).

Bless You, Boys

- Fah T asked me during the Dawg's wedding, "what the f**k is wrong with the Tigers?"  My response, "absolutely nothing."  They are actually who they should be... a .500 team. (They are 33-32 as of this writing).  We have no bullpen and we overpaid Justin Upton by bidding against no one for his crappy services.  Mojo pointed out to me how we swept the Y*****s for the first time in like 40 years the other week.  My response, "uh, they suck, too, remember?"  (31-34 as of this writing).  Mojo and I were lamenting how this team never cashed in a World Series in this 10 year run (2006 and 2013 will always be killers), and how we hope we aren't 80 years old, sharing a 20 year Scotch, praying we see one more World Series win and not just watching the 1984 World Series DVDs.  I will never ever ever ever ever ever EVER understand why we had to wait for Jeff Jones to F**KING RETIRE before we fired his a** as our pitching coach.  Who the f**k takes a young, talented, World Series-experienced pitching staff, then makes them worse, then KEEPS HIS JOB???  F**K ME!

- Just saw the National Anthem being sung during Game 6.  Heard an interview the other day that noted that we are the only country in the world that sings the National Anthem before every sporting event.  Seems like a good time to post this early...

For Orlando

- I just Googled the career stats for Michael Jordan and LeBron James in an attempt to prove, once and for all, that, while Michael Jordan is the better player, LeBron James would smoke him one-on-one.  Notice I'm not posting those numbers.  However, anyone who thinks MJ could guard LeBron is nuts.  Speaking of Jordan-loving, I heard someone reference the blind love for MJ, i.e., no one could possibly ever be better, not even God Himself, by saying, "If Steph Curry went undefeated for 100 years, some MJ fans would ask for the context."  I ran that by a certain MJ loving fan I know and love, and their response was exactly that.  And that's when I stopped LeBron v. Jordan argument with them.  I was like, "so if Steph won 10,000 straight games, you would need context???"  Yep, yep they did.

Maintenance beer 

- My wife's favorite ice cream flavor is mint chocolate chip, her favorite beer is Sam Adams, and her favorite color is pink.  In case you were wondering.

- J.R. Smith just airballed a 3 from like 35 feet with 10 seconds left in the shot clock on the Cavs first possession.  He gives J.R.'s a bad name.  Relatedly, Vegas just moved the line 3 points towards the Warriors.

- I have a tradition here where I get a new snack chip to try every time me and a couple of my boys get together for a Phillies game, night with the dads and kids when the wives are out, etc.  We are going to the Phillies tomorrow and going with Herr's Cheddar Horseradish chips.  Last time it was Herr's Hot Chips, which were great.  Herr's is a local chip company, ala Better Made in the D.  I thought it was pronounced "errs" and not "hers."  I get mocked for this all the time, and now purposely get them so I can be mocked.  It's the little things we do that show how much we care about our friends.

- Biggest news out of LB World Headquarters the last couple weeks:  LB, Jr. is potty trained!!!  He finally gave in the same way ARG did... threatening to give his toys for going potty to his sibling.  This is like getting a huge raise.  It reminded me of when Fah T. texted me and Mojo a pic of the cost of diapers just before our kids were born (we all had our first within a couple months of each other).  He texted the display with the simple caption, "we're f***ed).  It just occurred to me how much I have to blank out curse words in these posts...

- I just texted Mojo to send me random crap for this blog.  He's going with "facts you never knew you didn't need to know."  They will now be intermittently tossed in, word for word via text - "the five Olympic rings represent the five major regions of the world - Africa, the Americas, Europe, Asia, and Oceania.  Every national flag in the world includes one of the five colors, which are (from left to right), blue, yellow, black, green, and red."  I wonder if you can get Zika from the rings... what, too soon?  We also decided we are going to interview ARG and his oldest daughter for this post in the morning, non-scripted and non-coordinated.  Their answers are coming below...

- I will now Google Image search "funniest picture ever" and post the first result:

Boom!

- My legs are sweating from the laptop on my lap and the high ABV beer.  I gotta stand up, besides, its Hopslam time.  Time out!!!

- One of ARG's favorite songs is No, by Meaghan Trainor.  She knows all the words.  If you have a daughter, teach her the words, and like me, pray she remembers them from ages 15-22.  Age 22 being the age I told her she's allowed to kiss on the lips.  Honest to God, she believes this like she believes the sky is blue.  Yeah, I know it's completely unreasonable, but she just graduated kindergarten and already talks like she's 10.  Let me have this, it's almost Father's Day.

- More Mojo - "In 1988, Oklahoma St. running back Barry Sanders set the all time single season rushing record by running for a whopping 2,628 yards, an average of 238.9 yards per game.  He also scored 39 touchdowns, a record for one season."  Translation - Mojo is already the Lions fan version of our future 80 year old Tigers fans selves.  He's texting really f**king fast right now.  Clearly he is not crushing 12% ABV beers and has to be at work tomorrow.  Side note, we both really love what we do for a living, but I, for one, sometimes wish I had a job that allowed me to have a few beers on a Tuesday and not need to be totally on my game the next day.

Don't hurt at all!

- The Cavs are up 20 in the first.  Time to switch to soccer.  I still have the Meghan Trainor video playing cause I'm too lazy to switch tabs on Chrome.  I wish Mojo were here to take the computer.  Cavs by 22 before I could switch the channel.  Actually, let's stay here and see if the Warriors get to double digits this quarter... Igoudala hits a shot clock 2.  Okay, now soccer time...

- For you distance runners out there, I read in Running on Empty that a trick to going longer distances is to focus on a part of the body that doesn't hurt.  I've been doing this both running and lifting, and it works like a charm.  I typically use my fingers or toes.  Highly recommend it.

- GOOOOOOALLLL!!!!!!!  1-0 USA!!!  Gorgeous goal.  I love this sport.  If my brother ever gets married, I have a plan to convince all his friends to take him to London for an Arsenal home game.  If he doesn't get married, he will still be the greatest uncle and brother we could have, and I'll still take him to London one day for an Arsensal game.  I hope I didn't say that out loud just now...

- LB, Jr. asked me the other day when I was taking my contacts out, "Daddy, why can't you see?"  I didn't have a good answer.  Then I started thinking how so many people have bad vision (or, in my case, awful vision), and how that whole thing played out evolutionarily (total bullsh*t that's not a word, Google...).  Good thing I wasn't born in like 3000 B.C.  I would Google that, but I'm running out of steam fast and am too lazy to open a new tab.**  Somehow having a brain that thinks rocking a Flying Fish Summer Fish as a nightcap to an aged Mad Elf and a Hopslam is evolutionarily robust.  Chicks must dig it.  And yes, I see the irony that I YouTubed that and didn't Google the evolution/eye sight thing.  You Tube was already up in a tab.  Maybe this will be the first post the wife never reads... except she really wants to read the interviews with the kids.  F**k...

- I take back what I said about Mojo texting too fast, he's saving me... "Bernie Geoffrion is credited with bringing the slapshot to the NHL in 1951.  He was given the nickname "Boom Boom" because his shot was so hard and fast.  I want the nickname Boom Boom."  If Mojo weren't the perfect nickname for him, I'd change it.  But we'll honor his wishes and go with Boom Boom for the rest of the post.

- I loved Calvin and Hobbes as a kid.  Still have all the books.  Here's a classic strip for your pleasure:

Calvin needed the Serenity Prayer

- I do love soccer, but it's so hard to defend this sport, it's so slow.  Let's check the Cavs... Warriors within 8.  Looks like I'm committed to a long night here.  Been texting my neighbor, maybe I should have him come over to help keep me awake... what's that?  He drinks like me and Mojo do?  I'll probably be passed out in the recliner before this game ends.  What the f**k is Mo Williams doing in the game?  What is he doing in the league?

- My phone is dying and so am I.  I'm cutting the nighttime blogging off here.  If I read this book to myself, I'd pass out with my Hopslam in hand...

I know it by heart.  Not kidding.

- Good morrow!  Best Garfield cartoon ever... 

Amen

- I now announce the highly anticipated results of the interviews with ARG and C, born 2 days apart, mine and Boom Boom's oldest children.  Brief background:  they are both holy adorable, incredibly loving and caring, and extremely bright.  Not just bragging here, that's coming from their teachers and other adults.  Here's what they have to say:

ARG

Me:  Can I ask you some questions for Daddy's story?  Her (excited):  Like where you ask me questions and I have to get it right?  I'm going to eat while we do this. (She was eating breakfast and watching cartoons).
Me:  What's your favorite ice cream flavor?  Her:  Mint.  I love Mint Oreo.  Me:  Where did you have that?  Her:  I tried it when we visited Virginia, Miss ZWR got it for me.  (I had no idea).
Me:  What's your favorite food that's not dessert?  Her:  Tacos
Me:  What's your favorite favorite thing to do for fun?  Her:  Swimming and playing Four Corners and 7 Up.  (LB Note - she was a dolphin in a previous life).
Me:  How old do you have to be to kiss on the lips?  Her (no hesitation and with pride for knowing the answer):  22
Me:  What's your favorite color?  Her:  I like... I can't choose.  I like all of them because I like art so much.  (LB Bragging Note - her art was chosen for the district art show)
Me:  What do we say when we see the Y*****s?  Her (laughing):  BOOOOO!!!
Me:  Who's your favorite sports team?  Her:  The Phillies (yes, Mojo, this is okay).
Me:  Should we get a zebra or a hippo for a pet?  Her:  I don't know which one to choose.  I have no answer for that.
Me:  What's your favorite book?  Her:  Doc McStuffins
Me:  What else do you want me to tell people about you?  Her:  I'm cute and pretty and smart and I'm a really good reader.  And I'm a good drawer.
Me:  Who is the stinkiest person in our house?  Her (laughing):  You!
Me:  Thank you for helping me, can I have a kiss?  Her:  Uh-huh (gives kiss).  Why did you only ask me three questions?  When are we going to do the funny ones?  Those weren't funny.
Me:  Fine, what's a funny question?  Her:  It's when you, like, ask someone a funny question and you have to try and answer the right question.  Can I have more milk please?
Me:  Sure.  So like a quiz?  Her:  Yes.  Like, what are the circle things on cow called?  They're called spots.
Me:  That's a funny question?  I thought you wanted a funny question.  Me:  No.  That's not how it goes.
Me;  Fine.  What part of your body do boogers come out of?  Her (laughing):  Your nose!  I want to do a lot of those.
Me:  Okay, one more.  What is the person who writes a book called?  Her:  Author!  (Wife walks in).
Me:  Should Daddy get another tattoo?  Her:  Yes!  When are you going to get it?
Me:  Well, I probably won't.  Mommy won't let me.  Her (to the wife):  Mommy, can Daddy get another tattoo?  Wife:  Nooooo.  Her (to me):  I say no now because I always say what the boss says.
Me:  Should Boom Boom be allowed to get another tattoo?  Her:  Yes!

Little Miss Benedict Arnold then made me ask her like five more questions that were school-like.  And this was early in the morning on her first day of summer break.  As everyone who meets her says, thank God she takes after her mother.  Always wanting to learn.  Onto Boom Boom and Ms. C, featuring Mrs. Mojo...

B:  What is your name?  Her: C

B:  What are you named after?  C:  I'm punky.  B:  Is that a nickname?  C: Yeah.  B:  Do you know where the name came from?  Um… Sweet C?

B:  What is your favorite food?  C:  Chocolate chip pancakes, pasta, and bacon

B:  What is your favorite sport?  C:  Gymnastics

B:  Do you have a favorite team you want to cheer for?  C:  Michigan State.  B:  Ooh. No.  M:  Woo hoo!!!   C (Seeing the look on my face and mom's face):  And Michigan.

B:  If you could have any pet from the zoo what would it be?  C:  An elephant.

B:  Where are mommy and daddy from?  C:  Michigan.  B:  Where were you born?  C:  New York B:  And where was your sister born?  C:  North Carolina.  B:  That's where your brother was borng, but your sister was also born in New York.  M: You guys are born the same hospital.  C: Oh.

B:  What does daddy do for work?  C:  Write notes.  B:  Write notes?  C:  Like on the computer. But sometimes you do work on paper.  B:  But what I do for a living, who I work for? C:  People I think. B:  Do I work in the Army?  C:  Yes.  B:  And what are people in the Army do?  C:  Help.  B:  Like how? How do I do that?  C:  I don't know.

B:  What is your favorite thing to do?  C:  To have treats… Like bubblegum.

B:  If you could go to any place in the whole world where would it be?  C:  Pet shop to get puppies.  B:  It wouldn't be Disney World?  C:  Oh yeah and Disney World too.

B:  What is a favorite thing you like about your sister?  C:  She is going to marry LB's son.  She is funny.  B:  What is your favorite thing about your mommy?  C:  She takes care of my brother.  B:  What is your favorite thing about daddy?  C:  Playing with me.

B:  Which would you rather do which would you rather do, swim in a swimming pool or go on an airplane?  C:  Swim in a pool.

B:  Which would you rather have to eat,  a bacon cheeseburger or cheese pizza?  C:  Cheeseburger

B:  What is your favorite movie?  C:  Aladdin and the King of Thieves.  B:  Who's your favorite character?  C:  Genie. B:  Why?  C:  Because he's funny.

I told you they were smart and cute.  We promised not to coordinate questions, and somehow asked a lot of similar ones.  Great minds who spend a lot of time talking together, both sober and "not sober," think alike.  Evolutionarily.  I might try and work that word into the next nine posts...  

Anything worth doing is worth doing twice

That was fun.  The blogging and the drinking.  We plan to get back to the serious topics for the next few posts.  In the meantime, the fam and I will be in the D.  AC/DC will send you off and me off to sleep to pass out.  (I wrote this part before the interviews with the kids).  I'm sorry, Mom.  Hasta.

** I Googled it the next day after re-reading what I wrote.  I learned that, early on, poor eyesight would not preclude one from mating, and therefore would not have been weeded out genetically.  As we evolved, our societies did not shun people with poor eyesight.  Lastly, as we have lived longer and spent more time straining our eyes as a part of our daily lives, our eyesight has generally gotten poorer, but we have been able to handle that easily with modern medicine.  You're welcome.