Doing my American Duty and Week 3 Picks

Seriously, I don't know where to begin.  The LB locks, my stone cold, 80%+ victory guideline, has gone ice cold.  Starting with last year's playoffs and into the first two weeks this year, the locks are something like 1-5 the last 6.  What the hell?  Cards go into New England and win outright???

Doing my duty

Being a good American citizen, I know there's only one thing to do... completely deny any responsbility and find someone or something to blame this atrocity on.  So after spending countless days hours minutes searching for answers, and after deciding not to use this space to try and figure out who to blame for the Tigers mess (Mother... F***er...), I finally figured out why the LB locks have been so... wrong.

And really, who else could we blame?



The Mayans.
 


What did I ever do to you, Mayans???

In case you haven't heard, the end of the world is coming on December 21st of this year.  Figures those damn Pagans would get us before Christmas, by the way.  Anyways, I'm thinking that since the end of the world is coming, the NFL is doing everything it can to create as much wackiness is possible before it all goes up in... whatever it is the Mayans say we're all going up in.

And I don't think it's just the NFL, by the way.  I think ALL of sports are conspiring against me in an era of unpredictability/it would be a damn good time to own a Vegas casino/off shore sports book.  I mean, just look...

- The Eagles have 9 turnovers in 2 games and have outscored their opponents by 2 points.  They are 2-0.  So is Arizona and San Diego.  Who had those two among the 6 remaining undefeated?

- The Browns have drafted Colt McCoy and Brandon Weeden with high picks the last two years.  This year, they have a legitimate shot at 0-16 and the first overall pick (side note - they've covered the past two weeks.  That's weird, too).  The consensus #1 pick?  Quarterback Matt Barkley.  This can't happen because 1. I mean, how much can that fan base take, and 2. That record belongs to the Lions, doesn't it?

- Tim Tebow, the Messiah, is being ridiculously outplayed by Mark Sanchez, who probably spent his college years doing the exact opposite of everything Tim Tebow would have done.  And just the fact that Wikipedia page exists is proof we're all going out this year.

- Did I mention the Cards just went into New England as a 13.5 point underdog and won?  I'm building the bunker right now, complete with birthing room for the new baby just in case he comes early.

I welcome our new overlords

- In baseball proof, the As, Orioles, Nats, and Pirates all lurk for playoff spots.  The Red Sox, Tigers (seriously, f**k me), Dodgers, Phillies, and L.A. Angels are all on the outs.  The Mayans loved the poor.

- After the NHL owners cried poor, and not 2 days after I posted how freaking insane their "we need shorter contracts" demand is, the oh-so-poor small market Phoenix Coyotes (left them off the contraction list, by the way, cause hockey is just perfect for a freaking desert), signed a 38 year old forward to a 4 year, 21.5 million dollar deal 24 HOURS BEFORE THE LOCKOUT OVER BIG CONTRACTS!!!  And no, I'm not making this up. 

- The NBA is becoming popular again.  Oh... crap.

I've considered 6 games for locks so far this year.  The one's I've pubished are 0-2.  The ones I kept to myself?  4-0 (Scout's Honor).  I need a break.  So I'm taking these guys advice and not locking anything this week.  I need to finish that bunker, talk the wife into a water birth (baby pool can work as birthing tool, kids toy, and water storage... its a tight bunker), and take some time to regroup.  Oh, and I wanted to post a link to the clip of Ty Webb telling Danny Noonan, "see your future, be... your future" (you better know the movie... yeah, you), but it's not on You Tube.  Can someone get on that? 

Week 3 Picks - 8-7-1 last week, 0-1 on LB Locks (0-2 Locks, 15-14-1 for the year)

Carolina (+1.5) vs. NY Giants - I think this is Carolina's coming out party.  Is it me, or is the NFC South the best division in football?  And is it me, or is it not even close?

Cleveland (+3) vs. Buffalo - The Browns have competed, and you have to throw to beat them.  I think if they're avoiding 0-16, it's here.

San Francisco (-7) at Minnesota - See above, except they're not avoiding this loss.

Tennessee (+3) vs. Detroit - Doesn't that line seem way off?  It's 2 1/2 some places.  Weird...  I'd be worried if I were a Lions fans and cared what lines said.  If I were into teasers, I'd also be looking at teasing this line down.

Washington (-4) vs. Cinncinnatti - Also a weird line.  This is a pick 'em to me.  Maybe cause of RG3 homecoming?  I'm going with the "take the fishy side" play here.

Kansas City (+10) at New Orleans - Alright, one more time.  Then I'm off the Chiefs.  Until next week.

NY Jets (-3) at Miami - Yet another weird line.  You know, now that I think about it, maybe I'm just blinded by Mayan fear and the cheap lead paint I'm coating the shelter with.  Maybe these lines aren't that off.  In unrelated news, I read somewhere lead was poisonous to the Mayans.

Indianapolis (-3) vs. Jacksonville - The Jags had like 120 yards last week.  This would be another tease the Colts play for me.  I love love love love the Colts here.  Maybe the Jags hit 0-16... then again, there are a lot of jaguars in the Mayan jungles.

Tampa Bay (+7) at Dallas - Wait, the Cowboys are favored by how much?  Bucs getting disrespected?  Mayans at work?  I'll take the bait...  Wonder if this Mayan bit is getting old yet.  (Editor's note - it was old three times ago.  Editor's are moving to the Golden Monkey.  Victory, not the... oh f**k it.)

Chicago (-8) vs. St. Louis - That line is good news if you're a Bears fan/have Cutler on your fantasy team.  Or both.  Like me.  Sigh...

Arizona (+4) vs. Philadelphia - Lots of home dogs this week.  I like lots of them.  This game, I wouldn't touch.  Unless... three team teaser - Lions +6, Colts +6, Arizona +13.  Bam!  Just one more thing In deference to the pending Mayan doom, Larry Fitzgerald had 1 catch for 4 yards in that win over New England.  Lord, I'm sorry for all my sins with all my heart...

San Diego (-3) vs. Atlanta - Seriously, look at the lines this week, not even about the Mayans anymore.  Isn't Atlanta like, the hottest thing going?  Doesn't everyone love that team?  Chargers, the ultimate middle-runner, favored?  Is this an East-going-West thing?  This post needs to end, now.

Denver (+2) vs. Houston - Time to expose them Texans.  This game is anywhere from a pick to Houston -3.  Weird... then again, I do these part way into the week.  Curious to see where that ends up.

Baltimore (-3) vs. New England - I can't do this anymore... beer me out of this post.

Contact Logical Betting at logicalbetting@gmail.com and twitter.com/logicalbetting.  Don't contact me to tempt me into locks, I'm following the "don't bet the first 3 weeks rule" this week from my new bunker, which is being repainted after ARG got her hands on the lead pink marker.  Hasta.